Go On....Fly....You're Free Now...
We finally heard from Voldemort today. Almost two weeks after his "no show no call". My boys were so happy. So forgiving. I always wonder why they throw a mini-parade for him everytime they hear from him or see him for 20 minutes every few months. Well, I understand...but I don't like it. Here's Mom doing the damn dailies and Dad makes a cameo appearance and it's the best day ever! great.
Anyway, the boys talk non-stop to him about everything and nothing and hand me the phone when they're done talking and he starts telling me (the usual script) that he's going to get himself together so he can help me out more and that he's sorry about everything. I hear his "not girlfriend" in the background and am silently thanking God that she's the one having to deal with him...and wondering how long she'll put up with him and if it will be as long as I did.
I start paying attention to the conversation again when he says something I never expected to hear him say: "The reason things didn't work out with us had nothing to do with you Gen. You're a good woman and deserve someone good...better than me. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like it was your fault" And of course he was right. But when he said it, I felt like...I don't know...like I'd received a Not Guilty verdict on the charge of being a fuck up. And not that He, of all people, should be able to give me that Pass. Maybe it was the timing because of my mini-meltdown over the past few days. But for ten years this guy made me feel like everything that Ever went wrong was Always my fault...and would say so. It was my fault if the sun didn't shine bright enough and I would feel worthless for not having thought to have reflective panels installed in our home and ignorant for not knowing Sun exhaultation chants to get the job done, ya hear me?
The weight of the responsibilities I had then...real and imagined....broke me down to the bare minimal existence...almost reduced me Literally to Ashes. And few know that it's really a miracle that I've made it on the other side Alive...and Kickin'.
And I don't know why it matters that he said it....maybe because he never took responsibility ever for one thing going wrong and today he did.
And I finally am beginning to truly feel Free.
Comments
It's awesome to hear you say that you are finally feeling Free! Fuck men.. I am so often finding that they just aren't worth it. You are an incredible woman, and I am glad that you are reaching peace within yourself to let go and just be you and accept you for who you are.
in the end, i guarantee the boys worship you as compared to him. it's easy to be the awesome parent when you're never around. one of these days, all that absenteeism will catch up with him, and it'll be you they throw the party for each time they see you. :)
... and i think it's hysterical that you compare your ex to Voldemort :)
you are a great mom and a good woman, and i'm sure you know that, but it's always refreshing to hear that come from the person you chose to share children with.