Defying Age
What is it about age and aging?
When we are young, we can't wait to grow up. To anyone who will listen, we proudly announce our age in years and months....to the day.
Just as a small child wants to grow bigger to get on all the rides, when we are young we want to be older so we can do all the things grown ups do and take charge of our lives. Age, to the young, is a ticket to freedom and a ticket to credibility.......to being taken seriously.
But as the child grows bigger and gets to go on all the rides, the novelty soon wears off. The same happens with age.
Some people love their teen years but most people want to shed their teen years like a snake sheds it's skin. I was no different, in that respect.
The twenties are our nirvana and we hate to give them up. Its the age of coming into our own...out of school and out living life.....and being young, lithe, and the toast of all. We are old enough to do what we want.....and young enough that people let us get away with it. It's also the last decade that we freely admit our age proudly.
But the thirties loom...and with it, the thought of having to "settle down", be serious. After 30, we hedge when asked our age. We say things like - I am in my early thirties....or my mid thirties....or my lates thirties.....or I am marching towards 40.
Reaching 30 is like bursting the bubble that we will be young forever. We suddenly become hyper aware of 40....and beyond. The word "OLD" becomes etched on our subconscious. We wonder about all the things we wanted to do with our lives....and wonder why we haven't done them....and if we will ever do them. We become hyper aware of everything that is lacking in our lives and about ourselves. We become hyper aware of every wrinkle and every sag....and every way our body is aging. We become aware of our mortality.
Then there is 40. Some people approach it with hesitation......some with absolute dread......and some hop into it happily. (and yes, we hate those last group of people! :p) A transition happens to most people in their 40's where they finally adjust to being comfortable in their own skin. Of course, not everyone does....but from my observation point, most people do. It's a settling in and realization that yes, age happens, but life is far from over.
50 and beyond is approached with less anxiety and more forgiveness. Life has more perspective.....the kind of perspective we wish we had when we were younger. It's funny how life is understood backwards...but must be lived forwards.
I have always joked that if I knew what I know now....and had the self image I have now.....that I would have been deadly as a young, single, 20-something instead of the shy, awkward person I was who made horrible decisions about life and dating.
Isn't life funny?
I am about to be single again.....but I certainly don't feel deadly. I feel old and washed up. I am not 20 anymore. I am not 30 anymore. I am almost 40 38.
Why is 30 THE age that changes everything? Why do we not wear our age proudly....regardless of our age?
And why is youth wasted on the young? I honestly wish we were more like Mork's people....starting out in old bodies and then eventually, through age, the body gets younger and younger. Now THAT would be the reward of maturity and experience.
I think we should stop being so self conscious of our ages. Too many people are afraid to admit theirs....afraid to be too young to be taken seriously....or afraid to be too old to be taken seriously. We are afraid of judgement. We want to be taken seriously for who we are inside and the content of our character. But does a person of strong character care what others think?
Be who you are and say what you mean....because those who care don't matter and those who matter don't care.
I think we should be proud of who we are and of our age. Part of who we are is because of our age. Our experiences, our insights, our character.....is all formed in the time we have had on earth. Ages molds us....and creates us. And we should be proud of that.
Life is in the small details and we should stop being afraid of things like age because age is inevitable. Rather than counting our days, we should be more concerned with what we put in those days.
Every man dies....but not every man lives.
Thanks to Dewitte for bringing this great video to my attention....this says it all!
Everybody’s Free to Wear Sunscreen by Mary Schmidt, Chicago Tribune
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, "sunscreen" would be it.
The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists,
whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
I will dispense this advice NOW!
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.
Oh, never mind.
You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.
But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.
You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future.
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind,
The kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.
Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss
Don't waste your time on jealousy.
Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.
The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive.
Forget the insults.
If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters.
Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives.
Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees.
You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll divorce at 40.
Maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much,
or berate yourself either.
Your choices are half chance.
So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body.
Use it every way you can.
Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it.
It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance
Even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines.
They will only make you feel ugly.
"Brother and sister together we'll make it through,
Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there
I know that you're hurting but I've been waiting there for you
and I'll be there just helping you out
whenever I can..."
Get to know your parents.
You never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings.
They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,
but with a precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get,
the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in "New York City" once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in "Northern California" once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel
Accept certain inalienable truths:
Prices will rise.
Politicians will philander.
You, too, will get old.
And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young,
prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund.
Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse.
But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy,
but be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia.
Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal,
wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
"Brother and sister together we'll make it through,
Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there
I know that you're hurting but I've been waiting there for you
and I'll be there just helping you out
whenever I can..."
Everybody's Free, Everybody's Free
To Feel Good!
Comments
Thanks Jamie! :)
For me, its not so much something physical that can be fixed with a makeover. I actually do makeovers for other people. I work with makeup artists and such, already. I do need to lose weight and am on that track and will be working with a personal trainer soon so I can get into really good shape despite my back injury.
For me, its more of a mental makeover that is needed. It's a little like Toe-Knee was saying....it's about accomplishments that we want to have done by a certain age. For me, I haven't worked for 4 years due to a back injury and that we wanted to have kids. I was going to be an at home mom. But we haven't been successful in having kids and I haven't pursued any kind of career. So here I am at 38 (aka the cusp of 40) with no career, no kids, and now no marriage or any money or assets. Add to that a permanent back injury. I am not exactly feeling like the most eligible bachelorette on the block! :)
Thanks!
But you had a son....and a vocation. And you have always been skinny and gorgeous....and wonderful! :)
I feel so.....left behind...if that makes any sense. I told my counsellor that I feel back at the starting point again. She told me not to think of it that way....that its not a step backwards to make a fresh start.
I want to have a family but that is really quite a stretch at this point. But I am not giving up hope. I feel like its too much to ask and hope for a loving husband AND to have children with him.
I just look at all the single, gorgeous, skinny, younger women out there who are much smarter and more accomplished than I....and I just feel so intimidated and wonder how I can compete with all that?
(sigh) First of all, I have not always been "skinny and gorgeous and wonderful." That's a myth.We all have our ups-and-downs, psychologically and physically. besides, the idea is not to "compete" with other women. It's to compete with yourself. to be the best person you can be. Never judge people as having achieved more, done more, etc.by what you see on the outside. I know women who look gorgeous, speak several languages, are amazingly accomplished and are really down-to-earth great gals. I know some who have those same accomplishments and are emotional train wrecks. Stop thinking about 'who's going to want little'ol me- a gal who's got a bad back and no job.' It doesn't work that way. Your soul and your spirit is what you have to keep working at. That shines. through. I don't know if you ever went over to the new mag and listened to Amber's interview. This gal has a rare brain disease that has changed her life for the worse. She was in the middle of getting a divorce when it was diagnosed. The treatments put her in the poor house.She had to give up her place and live with her mother. The medications caused her to gain an amazing amount of weight. She was, as she says in her interview, "bald, fat and waiting for brain surgery" when she met the love of her life online. I'm not joking. She was in intensive care. He flew over from England to meet her here in the US, took one look at her and told her she was the "most beautiful woman in the world." This is not a joke. And recently, this same woman, after it looked as though she'd have a new start, has had complications from this condition that worsened her life expectancy. They decided it was time for her mother to come live with her daughter and husband to help daughter out and now mother has been diagnosed with cance and Amber is helping her out, instead.
As for me, since you have been struggling with your situation, I have had two life blows that have hit me like a sucker punch to the stomach each time and within months of each other. I won't even bother to go into them, because they were so horrible. Not to mention that the other night, while I was working in my office, a mountain lion came down and killed a deer right outside. I heard the entire thing. Somehow, I connected that incident to what had happened to me these past few months. Me = deer Situation = Mountain lion. Get it? But I never give up. The shortness of my years left are not a disouragement to me. They are an impetus. I don't feel 'old.' I feel that I'd better get moving to be sure that I accomplsih all that I wish with the time I have left. Yes, I feel sad and discouraged right now, but it's not going to stop me going after the things I want.
Children can be a blessing and a burden at one and the same time, keep in mind. In a few months I'm going to Vietnam with a friend who is fifty. She never could have children and has decided to adopt a baby from there. She asked me to go along with her for company and courage. She is fifty, D, 12 years older than you. A lot can happen in 12 years to make you stronger emotionally. You have no idea where you will be in six months, let alone 12 years. Yes, be pissed off, discouraged, angry, feel betrayed and hurt. But then- get passed it. Enjoy the day today and the days you have, because life never turns out the way we hoped. Sometimes it gives up a whole different thing and we can learn to love it.
Thinking of you.
Patricia
i was out at a club in NY this week (and I'm turning *31* on Monday!) and was watching the "lithe 20 year olds" as you put it, and being so jealous, remembering what it was to be that age, so young and unmarked and so much potential ahead!
but as Patricia says, anything can happen at any age. I still judge myself by who I could possibly be at 75 -- I want to be a **cool old lady** and I think I will have had adventures at any age, in any decade. if it's helpful, we can collect stories of women who have done fabulous things when they are older (in fact that sounds like a good post to write :)
also, back to the "lithe 20 year olds" -- I realized that I had no idea at that age what was ahead of me. so likely the same thing is true for you now. (and me) age is just a number. you are as old as you make yourself. the cliches are true. at *60* you will certainly look back at *38* and bemoan how young and lucky you are now! just remember that.
Good post. It's funny how things change as we age. The older I get, the less I care about things that used to be top priorities to me.